Reprinted Articles

A toddler of two can be adorable and exasperating a thousand times in a single day. So, is there a way to make this phase of your child less taxing on your nerves?

They look like angels just descended from heaven, but don’t get taken in by their innocent looks; they know exactly how to manipulate you to get their way. And, they have mastered the art of throwing a tantrum at the slightest pretext. They know what works for them and will do that at the most appropriate time, which may cause you severe embarrassment or drive you up the wall.

So, the best way to deal with such behavior is to treat them like an older child. If they know how to manipulate you, they aren’t that small, really. Here are some suggestions:

A. you need to be clear about what behaviors you will accept or not accept. Don’t take on a battle if it really isn’t important.

B. Secondly, avoid ambiguity. Give clear instructions in plain words. Don’t insinuate or taunt. Your child will most likely not understand what you mean. Make your point and leave it at that; don’t rub it in.

C. Once you have done that, then follow it up with action,

D. Yes, you can use time out with little ones: but instead of sending them to their room, how about using a “manners chair”? Here is how it works:

Buy a small child’s chair and put it in a corner in the room. Whenever your child disobeys your clear instructions purposefully, send him/her to sit in the chair. Use the same words every time you send the child to the chair, so that the chair becomes a reformatory of sorts. For instance, you can say, ‘You seem to have lost your good manners again. You had better go and sit in the chair until you find them again.’

Once they have found their manners - as evidenced by compliance or better behavior or them telling you so, then they can come off the chair. In the meantime you ignore them. Especially if they are fussing or whining.

In order to keep this light rather than as a heavy punishment, you can offer to help them to find their manners again. Suggest to them that they may have dropped them under the chair, or in their pockets, or perhaps they even fell in their shoes. This helps to turn them away from whining to a more positive attitude (and turns you from shouting to being helpful). Usually the manners are found pretty quickly.

Once they have found their manners, you can then tell them to do what they were originally supposed to do, or perhaps they need to apologize (eg to their sister for thumping her!).

If he reverts to bad behavior again, then it is important to let him revisit the incident. And, if he still refuses to apologize, then it’s clear he didn’t find his manners, and needs to go back to the manners chair and have another look.

You will need to maintain a fine balance between fun and serious correction of behavior. Don’t let it become too much of a game by giving a lot of attention to find their manners. Watch your child intently and act accordingly. If it is getting serious, bring in the fun; if it’s becoming funny, drive home the purpose of the manners chair.

What is important is that you don’t get into yelling mode, and they don’t get away with inappropriate behavior. Keep it calm, keep it positive, keep showing that you still love them, but that the behavior is the problem - i.e. the child is not the problem, the problem is simply that she has lost her manners temporarily - once she has found them again, then all will be well again.

If your tiny toddler throws a tantrum in public, what will you do? Obviously, you can’t carry the manners chair everywhere. And, you don’t have to, if you remember the basic rule of saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and follow up with action.

Consider the following options: 1. Take your child in a corner and tell him that you will resume the activity after he has found his manners.

2. You could take him out in the car and stand out, looking away, till he finds his manners. It’s best to be absolutely quiet and avoid any discussion on the subject.

3. Abandon the shopping trip and go home and do the time out there.

The good news is that you will not have to do this too often. Children are quick to learn provided you are firm and consistent. Just remember to stay calm and in control. Losing your temper will only make matters worse.

All this is based on the foundational principles in my book, which can help you handle your toddler positively and pleasantly and save you the guilt of losing it once again.

Last 5 posts by Dr. Noel Swanson

• Family Fun Time - Nature Walk - June 7th, 2008
• Mom Needs a Spa Getaway - June 7th, 2008
• A Guide for Being the "Ultimate" Parent - June 5th, 2008
• Living With Special Needs Children - June 2nd, 2008
• The Origins of Fighting with your Teenager - May 25th, 2008

Tags: Infants and Toddlers