consistency is the name of the game of parenting

By Dr. Noel Swanson. in Children on February 29th, 2008

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by Dr. Noel Swanson.

Consistency is the catchword in parenting. It is the only word that is consistently used for defining your conduct in speech and expression and in action in relation to you and your child plus you and your spouse.

If you are not consistent, your child gets ample opportunity to manipulate you and play one parent against the other. But achieving consistency is a difficult feat, no doubt! And can become more difficult if the other parent is too rigid to change his/her behavior for the child.

Maybe these pointers will help:

In order to remain calm and maintain consistency, you need to have a plan. You know your situations and you should make a plan how to deal with them

The idea is to pre-empt the situation and if it still happens, your plan will help you deal with it calmly by doing what you have already planned.

Otherwise you will act out of habit, which can be quite detrimental to the purpose and the child. For example, you will lose your temper on one occasion and react differently the next time in a similar situation. This sends confusing signals to the child who doesn’t know what exactly to do.

Decide also which battles are worth fighting - and chill out about the others. The rule here is that if you have a rule you MUST enforce it - every time without fail. If you are not prepared to do that, then clearly the rule is not that important, in which case you should drop it.

If you don’t want your child to put his feet on the sofa, spell it out for him, and stick with it. Don’t tell him to get his feet off one day, and then allow it the next time.

Honestly, it is these grey areas that cause the maximum stress. If you are not clear about them, you can’t expect your children to read your mind when you want something done in a particular manner. Once you make up your mind you will see how the stress goes away.

But what if you have a plan, but your partner keeps undermining it?

Now this reveals a great deal about your relationship as a couple. This is the area where you need to work on your relationship. Make sure that you discuss the children calmly and rationally, rather than use them as pawns in some kind of power games between you.

I am not suggesting that you should agree on everything - but you should be able to agree to disagree. The important point is that no matter what your differences of opinion you should support each other in the presence of the children.

If you fail to do that, the kids will simply go from one parent to the other and get what they want.

Consistency between parents is very essential and can be achieved by planning ahead. You should sit together and jointly plan the strategy by discussing your rules and expectations. The best way to do it is to read a parenting book together. This helps you come to decisions fast because, even if you disagree with each other, the book will provide the final answer. Stick to it!

Some parents find it difficult to agree on even fundamental ways of handling situations. This often stems from different styles and beliefs.

You can only be true to yourself. The same for your partner.

The outcome of this is that the children are quick to size up both the parents and manipulate them to their advantage. If one parent is strict and the other lenient, the children know whom to go to and get what they are looking for.

There are ways to overcome this situation if you do some introspection and try to understand the other’s point of view. Rather than let the children acquire wrong attitudes, it is better to put yourself in the other’s shoes. And, as they say, if it hurts, it must be hurting the other too. So, start by working on yourself, and you will see how fast the other changes too.

Ultimately it can get so bad that one parent completely destroys any authority or credibility that the other parent might have. If that is happening to you, it is time for some serious thinking (and decisive action) about what is happening in your relationship and what you are going to do about it. If you don’t then your children will learn to disrespect all types of authority, and you will gradually loose all respect for yourself too.

The trouble is that people become complacent in their familiar grooves. Habits are hard to break. But, for the sake of your children you need to work on yourself, if you want something to change. Change yourself; it’s easier than changing the other.

About the Author:

Dr. Noel Swanson specializes in helping parents with their children’s behaviors. To read more of his expert parenting advice go to his website and check out his GOOD CHILD Guide manual, packed full of extremely helpful parenting advice.