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While divorce is a sign of freedom for couples in a bad relationship, it leaves scars on the minds of both partners. Divorce is not a new phenomenon, as many would have us believe. People have been getting into marriage and walking out of it from times immemorial.

The very fact that two people who got together and promised to be there for each other through thick and thin have now come to this stage that they must separate is unfortunate indeed.

Divorce has dark connotations because it affirms that something went wrong.

But if you think that divorce is the only option for you, then there is no point looking back to see who was at fault. Instead focus on how to make the best of a bad situation.

The accent should be on damage control if, for whatever reason, divorce has happened, or is going to happen.

So, for the sake of the children, here are some tips on how to minimize the impact on the kids:

1. Don’t get divorced! The best situation for children is to live with both parents in a loving and caring home, preferably with loving and caring relatives nearby.

But, if your relationship is getting sour, for whatever reason, be honest about it. Deluding yourself or sweeping it under the carpet won’t help. Face it and if you feel the need, ask for help - first for yourself, and then jointly as a couple. Make one more attempt to re-kindle the love you once had.

Note, this does NOT mean you should put up with an abusive relationship just to “stay together for the children”. Ongoing violence, drug abuse, acrimony, etc are NOT good for children. If you really need to get out, then get out.

2. There are two ways of separating: one is to fight and create an ugly scene and the other is to be mature and handle it amicably. First of all, come to a joint decision that it is the best option in the given situation. And, as far as possible, try to avoid long court battles and custody disputes because they not only cost the earth but shatter your spirit. At this time you need all the positive energy to move on in life rather than get bogged down by deep wounds. Moreover, this is setting a bad example before the children who have their own problems of dealing with the prospect of losing the company of one parent.

3. Even if the other person has hurt you badly, he is still the parent of your child. And no child likes to hear bad things about their parents. Be honest with your children and answer their questions as dispassionately as you can, even though it may not be easy at times. Also, you need to reassure them that you are not going to leave too. Most children feel abandoned.

4. The secret of all relationships is honesty. While you should not say nasty things about the other parent, there is no need to defend them either. If he has promised to come and doesn’t turn up, don’t make excuses for him. You don’t know what is going on in the child’s mind. Very often children start blaming themselves for all that is going wrong. Make it quite clear that it isn’t their fault that you separated or that the other parent is so unreliable.

5. However badly hurt or angry you might be, encourage your children to keep in contact (visits, phone calls, letters) with the other parent for as long as it is a positive experience for them. They need that. However much you might despise your ex, do not poison your child’s relationship with him/her.

6. However, be very careful that you don’t start using your child as a messenger. Find other means to communicate to each other.

7. If the other parent really is harmful or abusive to the children, then do everything in your power to protect them. But make sure this is not just your own pain, guilt or jealousy speaking!

8. As a rule, joint custody, in which the child spends three days a week in one home and 4 days in the other doesn’t seem to work. Children need a place they can call home. Be objective and think of your child’s interest. If the other parent really is emotionally and financially stronger, and can take better care of the kids - then don’t let your ego stop you from permitting it. It may hurt you very bad, but you are an adult and should be able to handle it. Give preference to what is good your child. At the same time, don’t interfere with the parenting style of the other parent. You do your best in your house and leave them to look after the parenting in their house.

9. Children are not prepared to see someone else taking the place of their parent. So, be sensitive about bringing strangers into the home. Children keep hoping that their parents will get back together some day. Don’t kill their hopes.

10. Above all, get yourself sorted out. Heal from the wounds, learn from the past, and be an example to your children of how to overcome a bad situation and turn it to good. Give your children hope, not despair, about human relationships, or they will just repeat the same cycle when they grow up.

Don’t assume that your children will suffer from your divorce. If you can keep your hurt feelings aside you will sail through this bad situation calmly and in a mature manner. And, be reasonable about allowing the other parent’s role in your child’s life.

As ever, it all comes back to you being the very best parent that you can.

Last 5 posts by Dr. Noel Swanson.

• Child Behavior: How to Regulate Your Child's TV Watching - April 15th, 2008
• Child Behavior: Consistency is a Virtue that Pays Rich Dividends - April 4th, 2008
• Child Behavior: How To Get Your Children to Tidy Their Rooms! - March 24th, 2008
• Child Education: How to Get Your Child to Do His Homework - March 21st, 2008
• Parenting Advice: My Child Is Afraid To Go On Sleep-Overs - March 18th, 2008

Tags: Children