Parenting Advice: My Child Is Afraid To Go On Sleep-Overs

By Dr. Noel Swanson. in Children on March 18th, 2008

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by Dr. Noel Swanson.

By and large, children love to go on sleep-overs, whether to camps or other special events for kids. This gives them the opportunity to be with friends day and night. However, some children develop a fear of sleeping away from home. They refuse to go and they miss out on all the fun. If your child is struggling with such a fear, you may find the following tips useful.

First of all, you need to understand where the fear is coming from. Don’t ridicule your child by caustic remarks, such as ‘don’t be such a baby.’ Also, don’t get into an argument about the problem with your child. This will only undermine your child’s confidence rather than solve the problem. So, you have to begin by recognizing the problem. You have to admit that your child is probably as anxious to solve it as you are. Hence, think calmly and plan a strategic approach to help him.

You need to use the gradual process of desensitization to help your child overcome the fear. The problem may not be just sleeping away from home, but, perhaps, sleeping away from the mother. Children are sometimes scared to go to their own beds also.

Whatever the degree of the problem, the process is the same. Identify first what she IS able to do comfortably and confidently. Perhaps she is happy sleeping on the floor next to your bed. Or in her own bed, provided the door is open. Or she can manage a sleep-over with the grandparents, but not with a friend or cousin. Whatever it is, that is your starting point.

It is advisable to talk to your child and encourage him to tell you honestly why he doesn’t want to go on a sleep-over with a friend he likes. If he tells you what kind of a sleep over he won’t mind going to, make a note of it. And, you plan only that kind of a sleep-over for him. If he really has fun on a friend’s birthday party, or going to camp in the summer, he will get over the fear.

Remember, it doesn’t happen in a day. You may have to work backwards from the goal to the present. For example, if you want your child to go to camp for 5 nights, you have to first get him ready to sleep away at the Easter camp for 2 nights. And, for that, you need to prepare him to be able to sleep at his friend’s house for one night. Before he is ready to do that, he needs to be able to sleep in his own room with the door shut…. And so on.

This is the general framework of the plan; you will need to adapt it to your own circumstances. After chalking out a rough plan, you can go to the present and look at the very first step. If it is facing opposition, you can break the first step into smaller parts. For instance, if your child refuses to move away from your room, you can coax him to sleep in the hallway on the floor just outside your bedroom door.

It helps to talk it out with your child and agree on a starting date. Then think of a way of celebrating success. Make sure you do not set difficult goals. One step at a time is the secret of success. Remember that. Let your child be willing to move from one step to the next. Of course, you may offer rewards to encourage him.

You will know you have failed if the child reverts back to the starting point. It only means that you need to work a little more on the first step itself before proceeding further. Try again with greater incentives. Some day you will help your child overcome his fear.

Above all, remember to give sufficient time to your child. Trying to rush him will get you nowhere. However, if you go about your plan slowly and systematically, and wrap it up with plenty of encouragement and rewards, you should be able to get there.

About the Author:

Dr. Noel Swanson has years of experience in helping parents with their children’s behaviors. To read more of his expert parenting advice visit his website and check out his GOOD CHILD Guide manual, jammed full of practical parenting advice.