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In my wilder moments I sometimes tell people that I play golf. They may well conjure up images in their heads of Jack Nicklaus and myself laughing together over the round we just played, but the truth is that actually you’ll probably find me crying in a patch of overgrown wilderness with my club wrapped firmly round a sycamore and a score card that looks more like a selection of lottery numbers. Jack Nicklaus, on the other hand, who has never heard of me, is the renowned world champion golfer, and is quite good at it. I bet he’s never had an encounter with a sycamore and a patch of thistles.

One of the things that Jack is well known for, besides his expertise at playing the game, is his expertise at designing courses as well. All across the world there are golf courses that have his name on them as the designer, and they’re popular not just because of his name, but because they are so well planned to provide a broad, challenging and exciting game of golf for both the professional and the amateur alike. I just discovered recently that there is one place in Spain where an amazing nine courses have been designed by him, and all located together. It’s one of those overseas property resorts, aimed primarily at golfers. With 162 tees to start from, that sounds like a few lost balls for me, and a wonderful experience for anyone who knows their four iron from their putter.

I wasn’t really thinking about overseas property myself, although I can’t say why. Like most people I think it’s just one of those things that other people do isn’t it? Those neighbours of yours that live two doors down and always seem to be off somewhere and even in the middle of winter they have deep rich tans that you pretend not to notice and secretly resent. They always seem happy too. Damn those neighbours. But what got me interested was the whole of idea of having nine new golf courses all nestled near each other. That sounds like any golfer’s heaven, whether your professional or an amateur. I class myself as an amateur personally. Some people don’t even think I have made it that far, but then everyone’s a critic.

This country isn’t quite like Spain, where apparently it rains mainly on the plains. In this country it rains mainly on the land, and as a result playing golf is a bit like water polo. You dress up in smart, sometimes oddball outfits, but at least clean. Unlike the television broadcasts of world class golfers playing in endless sunshine wearing t-shirts and sporting tans and big grins, playing golf over here is more like wading through mud and searching for your ball that has sunk to the bottom of another puddle.

So with the weather here so dismal, the idea of having nine brand new golf courses all designed by the world’s top golfer, all located together somewhere where it rains sunshine and the only pouring that happens is a glass of Sangria at the nineteenth. I have never considered buying overseas property because of the hassle, but then, thinking about the hassle of coping with the everyday gloom and access to just one or two local golf courses here, upping sticks and taking the plunge just once to benefit from a lifetime of endless golf and warm weather is incredibly tempting. What’s even more tempting is that I hear they’re now offering free trips over there so that you can experience it for yourself. The idea of a weekend in one of these resorts, playing a free round of golf on one of Jack Nicklaus’ designs is something that makes me wonder whether I could become the neighbour that gets the envied looks.

I’ve been aware for a long time that with property prices in this country on the rise that my house would be worth a fair sum. After I started taking these adverts more seriously, and checked out the prices, I couldn’t believe what I could get for my money over there. I could sell my house and buy two luxury apartments in Spain, or a fabulous villa. Straight away I started fantasizing about my own pool somehow, I am starting to like the idea of getting wet, but not due to the rain.

I know that the idea of moving there sounds too much like hassle, but then I keep looking out of my window at the gloom and grey, and think about how I get up in the morning. You know, I don’t even bother to open the curtains sometimes. There’s nothing much to look at except grey skies, gloomy faces and the rain dripping off the gutters onto the muddy patch that I laughably refer to as my garden. But I have an image in my head of how I would feel waking up in my own villa in Spain. From one window I would be able to look across at the ponderous mountains as they yawn their way towards the purple haze of the horizon, and in the other direction I would watch the yachts skip across the cheerful blue ocean. Apparently the sea is blue over there - imagine that, clear blue water on your doorstep that doesn’t mean you’ve been flooded.

That free trip to try things out is very tempting, and I suppose I have nothing to lose. If all else fails, I’ll get a free trip to Spain, and a good game of golf. Well, as good as my game of golf is ever likely to get. My only handicap is myself. The adverts and brochures all used to see aimed at people who were retiring to Spain, or had bags of spare cash to invest, but today companies like Polaris World seem to be aiming more at people like me as well. Ordinary people who want something more than just damp, cold gloom. I like the idea of getting up in the morning and looking forward to a game of golf, rather than wondering if the weather will be good enough to let me make a dash to the car. The adverts certainly make the whole process sound easy. You never know, I might even bump into Jack as he designs his tenth course there. Maybe he’ll give me a few tips. Maybe I’ll give him some too. Maybe.

Tags: Golf