How Much Sex Is In A Normal Marriage?

By Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD in Marriage and Relationships on May 24th, 2008

-->

by Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD

Everyone wonders about this. Are our friends having more sex than we do? Do any other couples have this problem where one partner has high desire, and the other one has little to none? There must be something really wrong with us! Everyone wants sex 24/7 don’t they? The answer to these most commonly asked questions are no. Not really. More than 40 million Americans feel stuck in low-sex or no sex marriages. Research studies tell us that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men reported little to no sexual desire. Sometime in a marriage more than 50% of couples experience one or both partners with little to no sexual desire.

The most frequent complaint of couples entering sex therapy are regarding desire. They are also often the unspoken complaint of couples entering relationship therapy. It is important to first rule out any physical or biological medical problems. With this in mind, it is recommended to make an appointment with your medical g.p. , or get a referral from your Sex Therapist (Board certified Clinical Sexologist). Your counselor will recommend that the physician run a hormonal profile along with a physical exam to rule out any other problems, such as medical disease or medications that could be affecting your sex life.

In today’s society relationship issues including, sexual anxieties, inhibitions, and problems are the norm. We’re afraid of not doing it “right”, like in movies and books. “Right” would be intercourse, with both parties craving each other all the time and having simultaneous orgasms every time they’re intimate. In other words, “being all over each other 24 hours a day. Wrong! Healthy sexuality means giving and receiving touching that is pleasurable. Sexuality and intimacy may include 1001 different modes of showing love and affection for one another. There is no one “right way” of making love. The optimal experience would be that of being together, with no “editing” of the respective partner. In other words, take your time, experiment, kiss, touch, and take time to build up the level of excitement with one another. If there is always an ultimate goal of an absolute outcome…surely one of you is likely to be disappointed.

Gratifying lovemaking is not goal oriented, but process oriented. (The journey, not the destination.) It allows both partners to enjoy pleasure. It varies. Sometimes one or both has an orgasm. Sometimes this doesn’t happen and that is okay as well. What’s not ok is not caring about yours or your partner’s needs. There are many possible reasons for a discrepancy in desire between partners. The first is biological. As I mentioned in the statistics above, more than twice as many women than men have problems with sexual desire. This is because in the post-infatuation phase of a relationship, when hormones are running rampant, things settle down to natural biological rhythms. And biologically speaking, whoever has the most testosterone usually has the most desire. And that, of course is the man.

Other reasons relevant to both genders are performance anxiety, emotional pain in the relationship, coerced intimacy, sex used as a bartering tool, lack of time, lack of energy, and fear of intimacy to name a few. These can be helped with an understanding therapist. What you can do: see a relationship expert or sex therapist that can help you experience the pleasure and joy of being intimate with one’s mate. There is no need to settle for less than this.

About the Author:

Dr. Arlene Krieger, PhD is America’s 2nd Favorite Sexologist. CLICK HERE to blog with her.