Reprinted Articles

We all know what a bad parent looks like: intolerant, constantly critical, more interested in their own affairs (in both senses of the word) than in the needs of their children. But what does it take to be a good parent? What does it take to give your children the very best start to life that you possibly can?

John Bowlby did a lot of work looking into the effects of parenting on children during the 1960’s. Bowlby coined the term “good-enough parenting”. His basic premise was that as long as you avoided the sins of “bad” parenting, you were doing okay, and your children would survive. So is that merely good enough? Or do you need to do more in efforts to be the best parent possible - do you need to strife to be a “super” parent or even an “ultimate” parent? Is there really an “ultimate” parent or is that a myth perpetuated by the feminist movement?

Well, let’s get one thing straight once and for all: No one is perfect. Try as you might, you will never be a “perfect” parent. You will never get it right every moment of every day for every year of your children’s growing lives. Nor do you need to. In that sense, Bowlby’s concept of “good enough” is very true. You do not need to be perfect. Your kids WILL survive. “Good enough” is good enough

Most of you probably want more than just average for you kids. I feel certain that there are attitudes you can change that will allow you to give your children the very best of lives. You will benefit as well, since your life will be simpler, yet more fulfilling. Following is a list of things that will help you become the “ultimate” parent:

1) Remember that you are a fallible human being. You are not Superman or Wonder Woman, able to be all things to all people. Besides making mistakes along the way, you will have your own dysfunction from your past to deal with. It’s attitude, not perfection that matters here.

What is the right attitude? Being humble. Recognising that you have much to learn (we all do) and being willing to be teachable and to learn from your mistakes. A sign of genuine maturity is being able to look back at your past, recognize the mistakes you made, and say “this is what I have learned about myself, and what I need to work on changing in myself”.

Of course, there’s also a danger of constantly putting yourself down by telling yourself that you are no good. Allow yourself to occasional make mistakes and celebrate when you are successful. Only focus on the past as long as it takes you to learn and make changes, then move forward in the direction YOU want to go. Of course, if you have serious problems, get help.

2) Recognize you are playing a percentage game. We have all heard of them: the kids from the most abusive, deprived backgrounds who somehow manage to make huge successes of themselves. And the kids from the very best of families (as demonstrated by their siblings) who somehow go off the rails into drugs and crime.

The truth is that parents are only a part of a child’s journey to adulthood. They are subject to peer pressure, advice and examples from relatives, teachers, store clerks, TV (a big one), magazines and their own genes. There is simply no way to control all these factors. You can be an “ultimate” parent and still end up with messed up children. On the other hand you can be an abusive alcoholic and your kids might end up doing well. There are no guarantees in life.

This is why you play the percentages. Society has shown us that if you beat your children the odds are greater that they won’t turn out to be good adults. So you probably don’t want to beat them (even if you sometimes feel like it). The odds are much more in their favor if you are fair and consistent with your discipline.

By the way, successful parenting isn’t determined by how excellent your children end up being. Success for you and them means that you did the very best that you could with what you knew at the time. Some of those decisions were probably wrong when you look back, but that happens. If you didn’t try, and took the easy way every time without trying to determine how your decision would affect the children, then I do believe that you failed. That holds true even if your lazy decision ended up being right.

3) Recognize your children are not the only things in your life. In this day and age we seem to be obsessed with the idea that the interests of the children come first, before anything else. I strongly disagree with that concept. Yes, me must consider the best interests of the child, but there are other things to consider too.

As an example, say that you are offered a great new job in another city and that it will greatly benefit your family. It will disrupt your child’s life, but you have to keep the whole picture in mind.

There has to be a balance in our children’s lives. By putting them first exclusively you run the danger of teaching your children that their needs and interests matter above anyone else. You are creating a selfish “me first” child. Of course we should consider our families needs when making decisions, but ultimately you have to do what’s in the best interest of the entire family.

4) Look to the long term. Raising children is a long drawn- out process. Have your long-term goals in mind. How do you want them to turn out as adults? What qualities and skills do they need to learn? What experiences do they need, along the way, to learn those skills and character traits?

Parents are often faced with a choice between a short-term, easy fix for something or taking a more difficult path that will be more beneficial in the long-run. A classic example is how we use the TV. The easy way to entertain your children is to turn on the TV and let it take over for you. It’s a great way to keep them quiet and in one place. When you really think about it, isn’t it a better idea to do something constructive and fun with them? You can build models, make a soft toy, or assemble a puzzle. These are all a little more time consuming for you, but so much better for the kids. It’s also a terrific bonding experience for all of you.

5) Focus on the positives. Of course your children will make mistakes - just like you do. The most important thing to do (and to teach them) is to learn to forgive and move on. Correct your children gently and then encourage them to go on. Children desperately need there parent’s attention. If you focus your attention on what’s wrong, that’s where they’ll focus as well. Spend your time on the positive things and your children will do it just to get your positive attention.

6) Don’t waiver. Keep believing in you. If you’re following the steps you’ve read here, then you are well on your way to becoming a great parent. Sometimes your kids or interfering relatives will criticize your methods or decisions. Unless you see some valid new points, don’t let them get to you. Don’t be afraid to say NO if you need to. This applies to both your relatives and your children.

Yes, you may turn out to be wrong. We know that can happen. It’s so easy to look back and know what the right thing would have been. Better to stick to your guns than be like a flag waving in the wind. Your children watch what you do in both easy and difficult situations. Even if you make a mistake along the way, the fact that you believe in yourself and try your very best, you can’t help but impress them with your good example.

Last 5 posts by Dr. Noel Swanson

• Family Fun Time - Nature Walk - June 7th, 2008
• Mom Needs a Spa Getaway - June 7th, 2008
• Living With Special Needs Children - June 2nd, 2008
• The Origins of Fighting with your Teenager - May 25th, 2008
• What is ADHD and How do You Manage it? - May 17th, 2008

Tags: Parenting Advice